Ethan & Michaela

It just occurred to me that I’ve never given my babies stories. Here goes….

ETHAN
In early January (11/01/2008) to be exact, we found out that I was pregnant. We both weren’t really surprised as I’d been having some serious nausea spells (Read onions, capsicum, meat, chicken – everything I guess!). We then told our parents who seemed to be OK with everything, especially after learning we were planning to get married anyway.

From the very beginning, I had been spotting on & off and was put on bed rest. As long as I took it easy, the spotting would disappear. On 12/04/2008, I was busy supervising Mark & my cousin as I was moving house, and going back to live with my aunt-mum. Mark kept insisting that I take it easy as I was really mad at the caretaker. Anyway, we somehow sorted the issue out but I guess the damage was done. I was meant to go for ANC on that day, but was too exhausted to do so. When we got home, I noticed some brown spotting & Mark immediately took me to hospital. Throughout this pregnancy, I was being seen by various doctors & after being observed by the GP, he wrote some pain meds & advised me to go back the following day to be seen by an OBGYN. We insisted on his listening to the heartbeat of our baby & it was strong, so that comforted us. Hardly had we been home for 5 minutes before I started bleeding heavily. We rushed back to hospital only to be told that I was dilated 3.5cm. I was put on strict bed rest & a few days later, they tried inserting a cerclage but were unsuccessful as the membranes were bulging out. On April 16th, Ethan was born into this world asleep.

For a very long time, all I could do was cry. Anyone who has ever lost a baby knows the pain & heartbreak that goes with it. I blamed myself, the doctor(s), my former employer, even the caretaker of where I used to live. I finally understood what a grieving parent means when they say ‘ our children should be the ones to bury us; not the other way round.’

God is good because in all this, I held on to Him like never before. I prayed that I would never have to know such pain again……

MICHAELA
On 15/02/2009, God blessed us with our beautiful daughter Mickey at 24 weeks. I remember being calm as we drove to hospital as I believed that the worst case scenario would be an admission for 5 days tops. Anyway, I was informed that I was leaking amnion and that my cervix was dilated. I was admitted, put on strict bed rest and immediately started on a ventoline IV. However, my little girl was determined to come into this world and did so at 7.50 am.

I only saw her for a few seconds before she was whisked away to the prem nursery. I later on went to see her and couldn’t believe that she was alive – all 550g of her. I remember looking at her & feeling overwhelmed by love & whispering to her that we’d make it; & we’d go home to be a family. Every day with her was a blessing. While she was still in my tummy, I would have my daily devotion with her at 3.00pm & continued to do this even when she was inside the incubator. Her doctor kept telling Mark & I to continue praying as she was very tiny & it could go either way. In my heart, I truly believed that it would be a long journey, but that I’d eventually get to go home with her. I loved spending time with her, singing and talking to her and seeing how much she thrashed around to the sound of my voice or Mark’s voice.

All along we were praying & my friend Carol was also fasting and praying. It had to end well.

When I went to see her on 23/02/2009, exactly 8 days after she was born, I noticed that her pulse wasn’t strong and that the machine taking her vitals kept on beeping. Her doctor assured me that this at times happened with babies that tiny. He however tried talking to me about letting her go & I simply broke down. I had to step out of the prem nursery as I knew this would only upset my little one. When I came back in, I remember whispering to her “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thy rod & staff will comfort me.” That same day, at exactly 9.30pm, her doctor called me to inform me that her little heart had stopped beating & try as they might, they were unable to resuscitate her. I remember feeling numb & afterwards sobbing for what seemed like eternity. I didn’t tell my hubby anything, but I guess he already knew.

We’re slowly beginning to heal and this has drawn us closer to each other & especially to God. Initially, I wanted answers just as I had with my previous loss ( Ethan, 17wks). I’m now at peace coz I know that every day is a gift from God and that those 8 days He gave us with Michaela were truly a blessing. I may not see the big picture now, but I believe in the words of JER 29:11.